Today I went to meet a friend who took me along to buy cards for his beloved. But the reason was not a happy one, in fact it was sad with a hopeful edge. He bought the cards because the couple have decided to part ways with mutual consent. He bought a 'sorry' card to apologize for all the mistakes he has made, a 'thank you' card to tell her that he is grateful she came to meet him for one more time and also hoping that things will not end there, another to wish her 'good luck' for future life and her upcoming exams and one 'I Love You' card to give it to her and express his love for her, hoping that somehow she will stay and not leave him all miserable and alone. He also bought a little gift, a pretty miniature statue of a girl. When he picked it up, I looked at his face for all the signs, that he was trying to find his girl's resemblance in that statue. This was not a very happy shopping experience but romantic as well as heart wrenchingly hopeful.
It lead me to think that if he loves her so much then what lead to this decision of separation, which he says is mutual. To me the way he was trying to make sure that somehow he will find a way to make her be with him forever, doesn't really look like that he was a part of the decision. But because I have known him for a long time and I know about the relationship a little, I knew that both parties did give their consent to this separation. But I still didn't know what was so big that it became larger than the love that they share for each other. There must have been reasons in the first place which brought these two people together. So being the curious case that I am, I asked him the question. Why are they separating? I was told that there are ego clashes between the two, they fight a lot, about every thing and anything, she complains that he is not a good listener, etc. I found these reasons to be very similar to what I read in the magazines and newspapers. Nothing out of this world, they are not the reasons which cannot be sorted out with a little talking and understanding and few compromises. But then who am I to propose such suggestions, someone who has never had a normal, in the same city, meeting every week, buying gifts and coochie-cooing at the India gate or on the stairs of a metro station kind of relationship. I am the last person who should suggest anything like this.
However, even though I am not the eligible authority, I would say that if you love someone, or at least if you have chosen someone who you think is an appropriate candidate to be your life partner, how can you not communicate, understand and compromise a little to accommodate the differences. If you cannot, either you do not know how to make a choice or you have a very stubborn attitude. Of course you should keep you dignity and self respect but you should also have the maturity to determine when to start defending these two very important aspects of you. It amazes me that how is it not clear to people that when they enter in a relationship, they will have to make space for the other person in their minds and not just their heart (which as a matter of fact is only a blood pumping machine for the body and has no thoughts or feelings whatsoever). By making space I mean, expect the person to be a little weird, not at all perfect, with strangest habits and notions and beliefs. You should also accept that it some very strange quality for which you feel the attraction towards the person and call it love.
I read this book few days back called 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the autobiography the author explains the way she behaves when she in in love with someone, and for some reason I can totally identify with it. She writes:
It lead me to think that if he loves her so much then what lead to this decision of separation, which he says is mutual. To me the way he was trying to make sure that somehow he will find a way to make her be with him forever, doesn't really look like that he was a part of the decision. But because I have known him for a long time and I know about the relationship a little, I knew that both parties did give their consent to this separation. But I still didn't know what was so big that it became larger than the love that they share for each other. There must have been reasons in the first place which brought these two people together. So being the curious case that I am, I asked him the question. Why are they separating? I was told that there are ego clashes between the two, they fight a lot, about every thing and anything, she complains that he is not a good listener, etc. I found these reasons to be very similar to what I read in the magazines and newspapers. Nothing out of this world, they are not the reasons which cannot be sorted out with a little talking and understanding and few compromises. But then who am I to propose such suggestions, someone who has never had a normal, in the same city, meeting every week, buying gifts and coochie-cooing at the India gate or on the stairs of a metro station kind of relationship. I am the last person who should suggest anything like this.
However, even though I am not the eligible authority, I would say that if you love someone, or at least if you have chosen someone who you think is an appropriate candidate to be your life partner, how can you not communicate, understand and compromise a little to accommodate the differences. If you cannot, either you do not know how to make a choice or you have a very stubborn attitude. Of course you should keep you dignity and self respect but you should also have the maturity to determine when to start defending these two very important aspects of you. It amazes me that how is it not clear to people that when they enter in a relationship, they will have to make space for the other person in their minds and not just their heart (which as a matter of fact is only a blood pumping machine for the body and has no thoughts or feelings whatsoever). By making space I mean, expect the person to be a little weird, not at all perfect, with strangest habits and notions and beliefs. You should also accept that it some very strange quality for which you feel the attraction towards the person and call it love.
I read this book few days back called 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the autobiography the author explains the way she behaves when she in in love with someone, and for some reason I can totally identify with it. She writes:
"To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass,my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time- everything.If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
After reading this I felt that this kind of love would be like loving someone like a dog and possibly lead to being treated like one too. No one can tell us what to do in the matters like these, but as humans we can at least be compassionate towards the person who is going to be kicked out of the circle of love. As for y friend breaking up tomorrow, I can only pray that all his cards would work and make the girl stay with him. Amen.